Staring at the ceiling with tears falling down the side of my face I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream but with the knowledge that everyone in the house was asleep i took a deep breath and quietly started my prayer. Laying on a thin mattress topper on the floor of my mum’s spare room, in searing pain and stress levels rising i had no interest in having a rational and heartfelt conversation with my Heavenly Father. I was sad, mad and confused, with all of it already in my heart i saw no reason not to voice it out loud. Tears still rolling from my eyes I ask (in lots of different versions) over and over again why this was all happening to me, why this was my life, why i was suffering and struggling, why i deserved it and what i did to cause it. You have to understand in that moment I thought about the last year of my life, i had turned it upside down, I had changed my routine, stopped doing things i enjoyed, forgave people who had wronged me, put in effort and served those who had never said thank you, I had lost friends and hobbies, time and moments that I had, had planned years before and why? Because He asked me to! So why was it i was crying for what had to have been the 4th hour, staring at the ceiling, lying on the floor, homeless, financially unstable, failing health, feeling lost, alone and sad after having put in so much effort. How was this fair?
“This wasn’t my choice”
Those famous words, after falling asleep, exhausted, drained and out of energy to fight a fight i had no reason to be fighting, it didn’t take me more than a day to realise how wrong I was. How every prayer I had said in the past two months that consisted of wanting answers wasn’t necessary.
I was singing a song called ‘The Call’ and the image of me and my Heavenly Father popped into my head, as clear as day, seeming almost like a memory – we were having a conversation and talking about how we needn’t worry, that it would be hard, there would be battles and at times i would struggle but one day He’d call me and I’d come back. I felt this peace thinking of this conversation and as quickly as all the anger that rose in me thinking about what my life was right now, did the feeling of peace as i remembered a memory i had long forgot.
“I stood not knowing where i was or how i got there but knowing to the full extent of my knowledge why i was there, i was there because i had chosen to be, because i had agreed to fight His battle, to stand on His side and to walk, serve, honour and love in His name. I stood still and i stood tall while others walked away and dwindled from Him. He is my Father, He loves me and I chose to follow Him and His son, my saviour.”
It was almost instantaneously I knew that I had been arguing with my Heavenly Father not because i ever thought He was arguing back but because I knew deep down, I made the choice to be here, to suffer, to have my life be exactly what is was right in this moment and although i didn’t know the exact specifications of this life i knew it wouldn’t be easy.
We got given a choice so long ago to pick a side, light? or dark? We are here, we are living, we are suffering and we are joyful therefore we chose light… So why would i stop now, why would i ever go back on my word – He chooses me no matter what, so i shall always choose Him. Heavenly Father wants us only to explore life and experience what will change us and help us grow into who He promised we would be, He understands its hard which is why He is always on our side and why He will always help and guide us when we need, but we also have to take responsibility for our choices and decisions. We chose to be here, we wanted to experience life – I will do better next time to not forget that